theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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