life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
