where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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