I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
