So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
