I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
