Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
