There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
