I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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