I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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