I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
