Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??