Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life