Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(216): View more from Ohio

make any headway on the foot/dick situation?

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(813): View more from Florida

yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing

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(512): View more from Texas

If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.

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Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Read it at the TFLN blog
(773): View more from Illinois

please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.

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(816): View more from Missouri

This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.

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(720): View more from Colorado

yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.

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(850): View more from Florida

For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??

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