If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....