You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
