the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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