My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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