her facebook's as public as her vagina
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
