Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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