A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
