I'm so fucking centered right now
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I need water and some morals
Randomize
