forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
