I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
