GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
