i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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