Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
