Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
