and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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