I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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