Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
