I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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