i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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