Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
