I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
