why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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