I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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