You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
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Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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