You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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