my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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