Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
