I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
