I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
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You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
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I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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