My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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