WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
