Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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