i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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