We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
