i think my tv is drunk
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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