Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
