I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She bit a glass in half.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Randomize
