I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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