Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
