My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
