your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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