I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
