you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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