I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
