the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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