Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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